English jokes

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.


Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.



Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.



Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?



Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.



Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?



Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
This train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.


Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
The game went into extra time.



Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.



Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in
Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.



An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.


1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.



Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.



Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
Field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.



Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.



Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,
Shouting,

"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and
20 in science."


A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl

" JACK: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?
" TEACHER:" Of course not.
." JACK: "Good, because I haven't done my homework

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher

Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.

A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.

Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice

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